#365dailymoments - Real Mama Diaries
The hard thing about motherhood is the hurry up but slow it down feelings that are constantly fighting with one another. As a small business owner and human, MY needs are many. As a selfish human, MY world gets tired of the constant interruptions of my kids’ worlds and their needs. If you’re feeling judgement right now please go check a mirror and read on because I’m allowed to have feelings and so are all humans.
On one hand I frequently find myself wanting things to hurry up.
Hurry up, let’s get to bed time so I can have my own headspace.
Hurry up, and calm down so I can have some peace and quiet.
Hurry up, and let’s get to our destination so I don’t have to listen to Baby Shark one more time!
And that’s not even discussing how often I am on my phone either trying to work or escape from their every day CONSTANT needs. They are tiny humans. All of us have constant needs but *their* constant need is for my attention, affection, and validation, which let’s be real... 24/7! That’s a LOT. If an adult demanded your full attention that frequently, you’d want them out of your life because you have things to do! The fact is, I had kids before the selfishness I have always possessed got a chance to calm down, so many days are an epic battle inside because the other truth of motherhood is: it IS all way too fast. And these stages are over LONG before I feel ready for them to be. There are moments I think, “I certainly won’t miss THIS!” But then I look back at earlier stages of my children’s lives and the nostalgia knocks out the hard stuff completely. I know one day I will see these stages in scope of the big picture and realize I made much ado about something that was minor in comparison to the beautiful moment of another human’s existence that I had the privilege of witnessing.
So then comes the other side- the overwhelming nostalgia and frightening realization that my babies will only be babies for a few short years. Already my threenager talks about having a husband and babies of her own some day and I’m like, “this time 2 short years ago you couldn’t even SAY ‘husband!’ Whaaaaat is happening?!?!” And my sweet Avery is slowly getting better at using the potty by his own accord because “I big boy, don’t need diapers” now that big sister is completely done all day AND night with diapers. When I try to remember details of their first years, I feel like I’m trying to keep sand in my hands but it just slides right through anyway. So when I rouse myself out of my very human space of wanting short spaces of time to hurry up and be over, I look at the way my boy looks at me and and just want time to slow down!!! I look at my daughters curls, hear her still tiny voice using words that feel too grown up for her, and know that a time is fast approaching where those words will fit her body and those curls will belong to an astonishingly beautiful woman. In those moments my heart ACHES over the memories of what I have allowed myself to miss and curses what feels suddenly very selfish by wanting to hide myself from ANY moment of their current season.
They have BIG emotions and staying present in those moments is not easy even if I wasn’t trying to build a business and figure out who I am outside of being their mother. No human is built to engage with someone so highly needy 24/7 without breaks. Not one. BUT, time waits for no one. One day tea parties and princess dresses will give way to wedding flowers and marriage proposals and the noise of my current life will one day fade away to a deafening silence that I will have to embrace as a new normal. When that day comes, I know I will long for the days that I am currently trying not to want to escape. So it’s hard, but I am doing my best to pay attention and absorb these moments… the crease his dimples make in his face and how my heart flutters looking at him… the warmth of her little body snuggled up in my lap with my arms still able to wrap around her entire folded up length and provide comfort… I am doing my absolute best to soak it up even when I don’t realize how much I want to because one day it will just be suddenly gone and I will miss it.